The pressure of everything is taking its toll me. Coursework, exams, illness. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I just want to curl up under a blanket and be held tightly. I feel like everything is out of my control. I just want to be able to press pause and take a deep breathe, but my life keeps rolling on and leaving me behind.
I’m trying not to fall apart. I was 18 months clean from cocaine, and now this past weekend has ruined all of that hard work. I’m so anxious and the guilt feels so heavy. It’s all I can think about.
So I fell of the wagon for a while, but now I’m back. I haven’t put on any more than a few pounds, if any, so that makes it a little easier. I can’t stand the fat anymore - it’s poisoning my body. Today I’ve done a 45 minute Davina DVD workout and am feeling positive. This is a new beginning on the same journey.
I need a goal with a date, otherwise I’m never going to be motivated enough. I want to have reached my goal of 120lbs by the time I go home in two weeks. I know this isn’t a lot to lose, but I want to do this the healthy way. And I want to have toned up my stomach. I want to look great for him.
My period just started and am not enjoying the accompanying wave of emotion. I have an exam in one hour and I just feel like curling up with a hot water bottle and crying. And this means eating lunch before I go so that I can concentrate, but I don’t want to eat yet.
i don’t want to grow up. please don’t make me grow up. i want to rewind time and remove all these physical adult attributes. but time cannot be rewound. it’s all down to me. me and my actions.
My scales say I’m 122, but I know they aren’t reliable. I need digital scales but I don’t have enough money spare. I can’t wait until the Easter holiday when I get to go home and see my real weight. I feel like I suddenly have a lot more to prove. I usually fall back to this when I’m unhappy, as a way of coping, but this time it’s different. This time it’s determination to change into who I want to be.
It’s all gone now. I couldn’t stand the feeling of it inside me. Now I’m dizzy and my face is puffy and I want to go to sleep.
I just ate a savoy muffin. I don’t even remember deciding to walk to the kitchen to get it. It just happened. I don’t know what to do I don’t know what to do. I promised I wouldn’t be sick anymore but I can’t have this inside me. It was so unnecessary.
My partner’s making me eat three meals a day, so no more skipping and starving. I’ll just be careful. I’m going to be healthier, and hopefully happier. So today I’ve had a banana for breakfast and a homemade savory muffin for lunch. I can do this.
I got ill and ate naughty and this weekend will be bad as well but it will sort my head out and then I can get right back on track.
